I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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