I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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