Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
