so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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