you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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