I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
