Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
