Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize