I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
