the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
