Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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