i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
