I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
