I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
