i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
