can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
