it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
