The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
