You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
