i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
