toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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