dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Why is your signature on my underwear?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have aggressive nipples.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
