The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
