please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
