I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
