I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
