one two three fourrrrnication!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
