so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
