dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
