my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
