I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
