She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Let's paint friendship bongs
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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