hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have demons in me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
