she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
