wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
