My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
