____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
