I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
