those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
