Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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