Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
