Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
