Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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