I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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