so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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