Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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