Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
