Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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