You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
