im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
