You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
