Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
