I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
