When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
